DOING WEDDINGS WELL: THE RITUAL

People expect church weddings to be like weddings in movies and the soaps. Everything - weather, music, flowers, ritual-must be perfect. The handsomely dressed gents and the elegantly attired women of the wedding party do crash diets so that they can squeeze into slender tuxes and narrow gowns. Books of wedding etiquette dominate the popular imagination and produce big profits for the wedding industry.

Three cultural assumptions underlie many people's expectations of the opening ritual.

1. Male ushers seat guests so that everyone is positioned to get the best view of the opening spectacle and the finest possible photo opportunity.

2. The seating of the mothers is the penultimate moment at the beginning. It signals that the splendid entrance of exquisite comeliness is about to begin.

3. The bridal party precedes the radiantly beautiful bride. She isthe central figure. She is the one to be given away! She dominates the opening. Light bulbs and bobbing video recorders accompany her triumphant march down the aisle.

Wedding guests rarely examine the meaning that these rituals express.

1. The procedure for seating guests makes observers out of the assembly. People become passive spectators, not a community engaged in public ritual prayer.

2. The scenario described above lionizes all the women. It puts them on pedestals of loveliness. This masks the sexism women experience every day. This tap-dances around the violence abused women feel everywhere. This objectifies and dehumanizes women.

3. The role of men is quaint and queer. The groom hides from the bride. The father gives his daughter away. The ritual conveys no mutuality, partnership, or shared dreams.

A fresh reading of the marriage ritual offers some refreshing alternatives.

1. Liturgical prayer flourishes when ministers of hospitality create an atmosphere of welcome. Why not have parents of the couple, the women and men of the wedding party, married and single, members of the parish, church ministers, and even the bride and groom greet those assembling!

2. The liturgical procession can be wonderfully inclusive. The Rite of Christian Marriage suggests an alternative style for the processional opening.

"The priest...goes with the ministers to the door of the church...There he greets the bride and bridegroom in a friendly manner, showing that the Church shares their joy...If there is a procession to the altar, the ministers go first, followed by the priest, and then the bride and bridegroom. According to local custom, they may be escorted by at least their parents, and the two witnesses. Meanwhile, the entrance song is sung (Rite of Marriage #19-20.)"

3. The heart of the wedding is the marriage liturgy. The spouses supported by the assembly who surrounds them, minister this sacrament to one another. They speak their marriage vows loud and clear from memory, without prompting. They concretely embody divine love in the midst of the world.

4. The two spouses are the tangible, concrete symbol of divine love. They are the primary symbol at their wedding. No other secondary symbol can replace or substitute for the couple. Hence the use of an expensive unity candle is arbitrary and unnecessary. It would be best if the candle were left out of the Liturgy.